I have writing in my blood: my mom was a writer, and my grandmother was also a writer. So I guess you can say I have a knack for writing. I’m not looking for sorrow, or any “I feel bad for you” comments, no… I’m here to tell you about a disorder relatively unheard of; Schizoaffective disorder. Don’t want to read about it? Bye.

As a writer, I’ve had an itch to write about being schizoaffective for a while now, but it’s a lot harder than it seems. This has taken months to write, almost a year in fact, so it was obviously written with a lot of thought put into it. I’ll tell you now… it takes a lot for a person to admit they are mentally ill. But, I am not like everyone else… I’m willing to admit it.

Schizoaffective disorder is when you have two mental disorders wrapped in one; Bi polar and Schizophrenia. Since being diagnosed, I’ve quit my passion of writing. I was always told “you have so much to say,” but since my diagnoses, I guess you can say I’ve lost my voice. But writing isn’t the only thing I’ve lost. This disorder has cost me many things: my relationship with my now ex-boyfriend (who was the dearest person to me), relationships with friends, my sanity, my temper, and even my figure.

I was diagnosed at 17, yet I knew when I was 6 years old that I was different. It was my first day of 1st grade that I realized there was something wrong with me – I was different than other kids. How could I tell at such a young age, you ask? It’s easy, everyone around me was happy, and like typical 1st graders… they were screaming and playing with pointless toys. How was I? I was quiet, distant, temperamental, and I didn’t enjoy playing with the toys.

As the school years went on, I got worse. I developed a fascination for day dreaming, seeing these little doodles all over the place. By the fourth grade I was seeing doodles all over the place, and I had developed a knack for doing something else other than working. And, as you can guess, my teachers noticed this lack of work very quickly. In fact, a majority of the time I was getting yelled at or punished for not working. By the 8th grade I had developed a habit of yelling back and getting suspended.

But little did I know that these were the signs of schizoaffective disorder. The typical signs of schizoaffective disorder are: Severe changes in mood, Delusions / Hallucinations, and Disorganized thinking.

I always thought there was something wrong with me, but I chalked up the doodles I saw everywhere as something normal people saw.

Being schizoaffective isn’t fun; it’s not cool. Some people think “oh that’s cool, you see stuff not there! Like in the movie ‘Ghost’?” or they think “You’re mentally sick, you must be a freak.” I’ll tell you now, it’s not cool… it is not cool to see and hear things not there; it’s not cool to constantly be scared of things in your head. It’s not cool to see graphic thoughts in your head that aren’t even you own thoughts. But being mentally ill doesn’t make me a freak, and if you think I am a freak… then you’re the one with issues.

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I spent two days writing this, and it was tough. Yes, I know there are errors in it, but this is my story.