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I ran for my life. Running was not one of my favorite things, nor was it very nice to run from someone without having a reason to. For sometime I thought why this dog was chasing me. I looked back just to see if I was still there and it was. The dog was at my heels and gaining as I ran and the seconds ticked by without warning. A pup like me could be dead any second if no one stopped this dog. My wish was only to be made by a small squirrel; the dumb thing it is.
The dog stopped in its tracks and so did I. He lifted his muzzle and sniffed the air; twitching his pink nose. He pricked his ears and closed his golden eyes. A sudden vibration escaped his chest then he bolted to a run.
The dog turned to face me before he broke off to a run again. He lifted a paw and crossed it over his neck then laughed as I flinched. Running away, I left him laughing and headed for my pack.
"Suri!" A voice cried from throughout the pack of wild dogs.
A black muzzle lifted, two eyes met mine, our noses touched and tails wagged; I was home at last.
My mother cried with huge tears trickling down her cheeks. She'd missed me more then i'd missed her. I felt my heart shatter as she wrapped her paws around my neck and knocked off the air with a hug.
The pack cheered by licking, wagging tails, and one last chorus of howls to honor their princess, Suri. I lifted my muzzle and sang a song of my coming home for a permanant stay. I'd never leave until its my time. I was home and now my story is to come to an end.
Good so far? This is my ending of my 32 page long rough draft. Ideas for a title? Here is a little more explaining to whats happening now: Suri is the princess of the Marsh pack. She is a dingo of course and pure white; rare in dingoes. In this paragraph(more like an ending) Suri is being chased by a hunting dog and is to be caught and made into a pelt. She escapes of course and has been gone for days because of this dog that had hunted her. She returns home to find her mother has missed her more then she thought.
The dog stopped in its tracks and so did I. He lifted his muzzle and sniffed the air; twitching his pink nose. He pricked his ears and closed his golden eyes. A sudden vibration escaped his chest then he bolted to a run.
The dog turned to face me before he broke off to a run again. He lifted a paw and crossed it over his neck then laughed as I flinched. Running away, I left him laughing and headed for my pack.
"Suri!" A voice cried from throughout the pack of wild dogs.
A black muzzle lifted, two eyes met mine, our noses touched and tails wagged; I was home at last.
My mother cried with huge tears trickling down her cheeks. She'd missed me more then i'd missed her. I felt my heart shatter as she wrapped her paws around my neck and knocked off the air with a hug.
The pack cheered by licking, wagging tails, and one last chorus of howls to honor their princess, Suri. I lifted my muzzle and sang a song of my coming home for a permanant stay. I'd never leave until its my time. I was home and now my story is to come to an end.
Good so far? This is my ending of my 32 page long rough draft. Ideas for a title? Here is a little more explaining to whats happening now: Suri is the princess of the Marsh pack. She is a dingo of course and pure white; rare in dingoes. In this paragraph(more like an ending) Suri is being chased by a hunting dog and is to be caught and made into a pelt. She escapes of course and has been gone for days because of this dog that had hunted her. She returns home to find her mother has missed her more then she thought.
Paya Rose (#922)
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08-16-2013 at 9:57 AM
Call it "Running Dog".<br /> <br /> It starts off dynamic and interesting, and sets up a nice future conflict with the dog who's chasing Suri. As a first draft, it isn't bad at all. I would read more.<br /> <br /> When you go back to edit this piece, look out for contradictions and redundancies. They only confuse your reader. For example, in the first sentence, Suri claims she is running for her life; in the very next sentence, though, she muses about how it's not nice to have to run without a reason. This is really confusing, for what better reason could she have than running for her life? Or is "running for my life" just a cliche? Beware of using those, because they sometimes suggest things you don't intend them to mean.<br /> <br /> Best wishes with this story.